I almost didn’t go up for prayer.
Not because I didn’t need it — I did. I was dry, unsettled, and desperate for clarity.
But I was afraid.
Afraid the word might be about my relationship.
Afraid it would mean loss, or that I’d have to walk away from something I love.
Afraid I’d get it wrong again.
Afraid that trauma was speaking louder than truth, and that I couldn’t tell the difference.
And the truth is… that fear has haunted me for a long time.
I’ve stayed too long in relationships that damaged me.
I’ve listened to people who said they were speaking for God and weren’t.
I’ve been paralyzed by the question: “What if I miss it again?”
But I remind myself that:
For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.
- 2 Timothy 1:7 (NKJV)
So when I felt that old fear rise up — fear that if I went up front, I’d be told to let go of someone again — I hesitated.
But I went anyway.
Shaky, unsure, and maybe still a little guarded.
But I went.
And what God gave me was… freedom.
Not from my relationship.
Not from a person.
Not from something external.
But from the pressure to figure it all out.
From the fear that I had to protect myself by running away first.
From the lie that I had to be perfect to stay in step with God.
This beautiful moment matches the scripture:
For freedom Christ has set us free; stand firm therefore, and do not submit again to a yoke of slavery.
- Galatians 5:1 (ESV)
The word I received was simple:
Don’t get distracted. Do what God has called you to do. Don’t mix it. You’re free.
At first, I didn’t know what I’d been freed from. I didn’t feel different.
I wasn’t sure if I had missed something — or if I had misunderstood.
But then, later, I realized:
I had been carrying a quiet but heavy desperation — wanting so badly to leave my job, knowing it’s not good for me mentally, physically, or spiritually.
I’ve been praying, aching, begging God for a way out — but I’m a mother, and I can’t just walk away without something else in place to provide for my kids.
That tension — that trap between waiting on God and needing a breakthrough now — was fueling pressure I didn’t even realize I was carrying.
I thought I had to figure everything out before I could move forward.
That I needed to have my blog polished, my business strategy in place, my finances lined up, and a clear “God-approved” ministry plan… before I could begin.
So I started to chase things that felt like answers — coaching, monetization, hustle — not out of calling, but out of fear.
I had mixed striving with surrender.
I had mixed fear with faith.
I had tried to force a future that God is still building in me slowly, gently, and in His timing.
That word — “don’t mix it” — is still echoing in my heart.
I believe now that it wasn’t a warning about my relationship.
It was an invitation to clarity.
To simplicity.
To build the foundation first — through study, prayer, and trust.
To stop trying to monetize the message before the message is fully birthed.
To let God build this thing His way.
Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.
- Proverbs 3: 5-6 (ESV)
That word gave me permission to slow down — not out of laziness, but out of obedience.
So today, I’m letting the fear fall away.
Not perfectly. Not all at once.
But with each breath, I’m saying:
God, I trust You to lead me.
You are not a God of confusion.
You are not a God of pressure.
You will not let me miss what You’re speaking, if I’m listening.
I don’t have to figure it all out to walk with You.
I just have to follow the peace.
This is where I am right now.
Not at the finish line.
Not with every answer.
But walking — slowly, prayerfully — toward whatever He’s preparing in me.
And that’s enough for today. 🌿